Sunday, October 18, 2009

The completely random things one thinks about...

Let me just first off I am incredibly jealous of everybody at home getting rained! We have a two year drought and then it starts to rain when I leave! For the record I love cold/cool rainy days in the fall. Say what you will about my psyche but that makes me happy, lol. Watch us have the warmest Christmas in twenty years when I get home...And watch Chicago be in the fifties in January, haha!

I usually listen to some music while I study to block out background noises, and today the song "Your Love" by the Outfield came on. I instantly flashed back to that night at 8E's with five or six good friends standing around in a circle screaming the song at each it too much to smile and want that to happen again? I remember dancing with Feet and Awad that night too...and I'm instantly sad that my friendship with Feet seemingly dissolved over my trying to do what I thought was the right thing. I am also still angry with the people who put me in that situation because they cost me a good friend. Feet, if you by any chance ever read this I hope you know I'm sincere. I'm a lot of things but insincere isn't one of them. In fact, I'm so honest at times it's brutal (not always a good thing). Would I still do it, more than likely because I still believe it to be the right thing...why can't doing the right thing always work out for you?

I think I'm at that stage where I finally have something nice to look back on, where I was just "me". No school, no studying, none of that, just me, living a little bit. I wasn't defined by anything related to school. People at work saw me as an employee, an equal, and my friends were just my friends. Not my friends because we were in the same department or worked in the same lab. Yes, some of my best friends stem from school/lab, but that's no longer our environment and we're still friends. If that's not clear let me know and I'll have a go at explaining it again, haha.

I have to learn how to take it for just that. Sorry Bon Jovi, but you can't always go home. Well, you could, but nobody would be there, and by having left you're a different person and your life has changed. I look back on those events/times/places with smiles because I'm only thinking about the happy times at that moment. When my thoughts go a little further and I remember why I was there, I'm not missing it quite as much. I was in/near Athens solely because I worked nearby. I was able to do nothing from Friday afternoon to Monday morning if I so chose because that was just it...I had nothing to do once work was over. Unfortunately it wasn't getting me anywhere. I know I've written about that before, but it's been an adjustment. Nothing I don't think I can't handle, but nonetheless, it's an adjustment.

I've been thinking a lot about my grandmother lately, though exactly why I'm not sure. I remember her machine gun rat-a-tat laugh, going to the bookstore on an almost weekly basis, traveling around Georgia when I was younger. I remember she took us to Williamsburg and D.C when I was 9 and 10. I remember going to the Dixie Stampede in Pigeon Forge, TN. I remember those weekly drives to Alpharetta for piano lessons. I remember a lot, and they're all happy memories. It's interesting that I should have these reflections now. She died almost nine years ago. It makes me wonder what I'll remember about Granddaddy...

I don't know what the deal was today, but song after song came on that resonated pangs! haha. "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything For You?" by Stevie Nicks came on a little while ago, and the song always makes me want to cry. Why I'm not entirely sure. Like most Stevie Nicks songs there isn't a great deal of linearity and/or transparency in the lyrics. BUT, nonetheless, it's moving. Incidentally, there's something just flat wrong with hearing a song like that followed immediately by "Womanizer"...or the like. I mean, c'mon iTunes, have a little tact! I'm sorry, that's just wrong!

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In all your darkest hours
Have you ever heard me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know

Has anyone ever given anything to you
In your darkest hours
Did you ever give it back
Well, I have
I have given that to you
If it's all I ever do
This is your song

And the rain comes down
There's no pain and there's no doubt
It was easy to say
I believed in you everyday
If not for me
Then do it for the world

Has anyone ever written anything for you
In your darkest sorrow
Did you ever hear me sing
Listen to me now
You know I'd rather be alone
Than be without you
Don't you know

So, if not for me, then
Do it for yourself
If not for me then
Do it for the world
Poet...priest of nothing
Poet...priest of nothing

-- Stevie Nicks, Keith Olsen

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